To those of you who attended Akron’s nearly booze-free First Night celebration, good morning!
To those of you who celebrated in the more traditional New Year’s Eve fashion ... I’ll try to keep my voice down.
But that will be difficult, because 2016 was an amazing year, crammed with really good stuff and really bad stuff.
Yep, time again for the Bobby Awards, which honor the best and worst, the goofiest and the dumbest, the oddest and most embarrassing moments our area had to offer during the 12 months gone by.
Today marks my 20th awards ceremony. Time flies when you’re being a smart-ass.
Unlike those overhyped national awards — the Oscars, the Emmys, the Grammys, the Tonys — the Bobbys are locally produced and commercial-free.
They also are biased, insensitive, slanted, sarcastic, one-sided and unfair.
And therein lies their beauty.
PARTY ANIMAL OF THE YEAR: An Akron man was arrested after being tossed from six of the nine bars in downtown Youngstown. The arrest came only after repeated warnings. The final straw was his decision to swing from a light pole, knocking over construction barrels, shouting at women and threatening to kill the bars’ bouncers. When he was cuffed, he told the cop, “If partying is wrong, I don’t want to be right.”
(Rick Steinhauser/Akron Beacon Journal Illustration)
No shirt? No problem when you are an NBA champion like J.R. Smith.
EXHIBITIONIST AWARD: When the Cavs arrived in Cleveland after winning the title, J.R. Smith got off the plane shirtless. He also rode in the victory parade shirtless. In the afterglow of victory, he just didn’t give a shirt. J.R. may not have re-shirted until he attended a June 30 charity event at Firestone Country Club, where the dress code is just a wee bit more restrictive.
OLIVER STONE CONSPIRACY AWARD: A caller insisted our coverage of the Hillis/Glover case was slanted in favor of Glover, the black person who broke into Hillis’ house and was shot and killed after he started to run away. The caller said she knew we were playing racial favorites because she “did the research” and discovered that the Beacon Journal is owned by a company named Black Press. I somewhat-less-than-gently pointed out that the company is named after David Black, a 70-year-old white millionaire who lives in western Canada.
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT TROPHY AWARD CUP RIBBON MEDAL: After years of public ridicule, Circle K finally removed the gas-pump stickers that read, “Please prepay in advance.” (As if you could prepay afterward.) In 2016, Circle K saw the light and began to post stickers that read, “Please pre-pay before pumping.” Much better.
GREATER CLEVELAND PARTNERSHIP TROPHY: I’ve seen people get pretty worked up about their favorite sports teams, sometimes to the point of loud arguments. But I’ve never heard of a dispute quite like this. The setting: 2 a.m. in the parking lot of a strip club on West 117th Street in Cleveland. What could possibly go wrong? Well, a 24-year-old guy visiting from Florida started arguing with a local guy about which state has better strip clubs. The quarrel grew so vehement that the local guy pulled out a gun and shot the tourist in the left thigh. Gotta love that hometown pride.
WORST CHEERLEADERS: This probably should have surprised no one, given how the Browns’ season was going. Still, it was so goofy, and so incredibly fitting, that the photo went viral. A three-panel banner that is unfurled by fans at every home game — normally spelling out DAWGPOUND — began one game as GPODAWUND.
SLOPPIEST POLICE WORK: A report in the Hudson Hub-Times said a resident “called police around 3:20 p.m. to report that a suspicious vehicle was at a church across the street.” Upon arrival, police discovered the car’s occupants were attending a church meeting. There were no arrests.” No arrests?!
BEST HOLIDAY-RELATED QUIP: When media superstar Maggie Fuller asked on her Facebook page, “What does Columbus Day mean to you?” Chris Crowder Haylett responded, “A yearly reminder of what happens when men don’t ask for directions.”
EGOMANIAC OF THE YEAR: A Lima resident on the lam sent police a selfie because he didn’t like the mug shot they were using. Must have been a much better likeness, because he was arrested shortly thereafter in Florida.
BEST MURDER: Cleveland’s half-century sports curse was finally slain, in large part because of a kid from Akron. Three catchwords immediately entered the local sports lexicon, thanks to the final frenzied moments of Game 7: The Block, The Shot and The Stop. Take one more bow, LeBron, Kyrie and Kevin.
(Rick Steinhauser/Akron Beacon Journal Illustration)
A penalty flag should have been thrown against the contractor whose shoddy work forced the cancellation of 2016 Pro Football Hall of Fame exhibition game.
FALSE ADVERTISING TROPHY: A police report informed us that “Wise Intelligent Supreme God Allah, 18, of Faircrest Street SW in Canton, was charged with carrying a concealed weapon, weapons under disability and improper handling of firearm.” Perhaps not all that wise, intelligent, supreme or godly after all.
WORST PERFORMANCE ON A FOOTBALL FIELD: No, not the Cleveland Browns. At least they completed all of their games. The correct answer is “Paintgate,” in which a nationally televised Pro Football Hall of Fame exhibition game between Green Bay and Indianapolis had to be called off at the last minute because some clueless contractor sprayed logos in the end zones and at midfield with a paint that became hard and slippery, leaving areas of the artificial surface in a condition more appropriate for hockey.
CRIMINAL OF THE YEAR: A Dayton man was arrested after he tried to have sex with a van. A newspaper account said “an eyewitness told officers she saw the man pull down his pants and try to have intercourse with the grill of the van. This went on for a while before he passed out in a yard.” There was no
(Rick Steinhauser/Akron Beacon Journal Illustration)
Apparently the van had an irresistible smile.
mention of injuries, so apparently he managed to avoid damaging his, um, radiator hose. Although he was jailed on two counts of public indecency, he surely is in line to receive an honor from the National Fetish Association.
GRINCH OF THE DECADE: How about a local cop involved in a countywide program called Shop With a Cop — underprivileged kids are treated to Christmas shopping sprees — who ends up stealing the money? Come on down, Michael Simmons, fired from the Richfield force for spending more than $26,000 on himself, prosecutors said. This guy almost literally stole Christmas. His conviction so tarnished the program that several departments dropped out, some formed new programs and some — including Richfield — stopped participating altogether. As Cuyahoga Falls officer Don Patterson put it: “Cops stealing from kids — it doesn’t get much worse than that.”
READER OF THE YEAR: “I have a question for you,” he said on my voice mail. “When is the paper actually delivered — when the person gets it or when it’s delivered to the address? That’s all I wanted to know. Thank you.” Yes, our statistical analysis of delivery efficiency is far more complex than most people realize. We don’t classify a delivery as successful until we personally witness the recipient physically touching the paper in his/her driveway or paper box. We don’t care whether he/she does it early in the morning, wearing a bathrobe, or in the afternoon, after walking the dog, or in the evening, after work. Sometimes, when a customer leaves the house early and has an evening function, we have to hang around until nearly midnight. But we figure this is necessary to hold our own during the Information Age.
CSI: MONTVILLE: A Montville Township police report in the Eastern Medina Post: “A Lake Ridge Drive resident came home to find their closet ransacked. There was evidence of a ‘dog tearing things up,’ but not of criminal activity.”
WORST MEDIA CRITICISM (AMONG PEOPLE NOT NAMED TRUMP): New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, while ripping Ohio Gov. John Kasich right before Christie’s debacle in New Hampshire, tore into the Ohio media. His cheap shot was reported in the biggest newspaper in our swing state’s biggest city, a publication generally known as the Columbus Dispatch. “I’m just better [than Kasich] because I’ve been tested,” he crowed during a campaign stop. “I’m in the toughest media market in America. With all due respect to — what? I think it’s the Columbus Journal — it ain’t the New York Times. [And] the interrogation by the Akron Sun ain’t doing it.” Well, Chris, I guess it’s that unwavering attention to detail that sets you apart.
AESTHETIC OFFENSE: Beacon Journal Metro Editor Cheryl Powell was burning the midnight oil in the newsroom one night when the police scanner crackled with the description of a suspect: “She’s a white female, skinny, with blonde hair and bad roots.” Quipped Powell, “Is bad hair a crime?”
BEST SPORTS COMMENTARY BY A RESIDENT OF STOW: Two-way tie. Paul Brooker wrote to me shortly after the Browns hired their new coach: “We need the Tribe to hire someone named ‘Dew’ as a manager. Then we would have Huey, Dewey and Luey as coaches for our major-league franchises.” Another Stowite, Bob Oziomek, suggested hiring somebody named Nue to go along with the Browns’ Hue and the Cavs’ Lue. That would work, too. We could walk around saying, “Nue’s on first?”
LEAK OF THE YEAR: The term “distracted driving” covers a lot of sins, the most troublesome being driving while texting. But you generally don’t see this one on the lists of inadvisable driving activities. According to a lawsuit filed in Summit County Common Pleas Court, a man from Hudson rear-ended a couple from Hudson, causing significant injuries to the male victim. The offending driver’s distraction? The lawsuit says he was “attempting to urinate into a cup.” Police cited him for piss-poor driving.
BEST COLUMNIST: Modesty forbids.
Messages for Bobby can be left at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com. He would like to express his semi-eternal gratitude to colleagues and friends who contributed Bobby nominations during the year: Rick Armon, Kim Drezdzon, Charlene Nevada, Cheryl Powell, Mark J. Price and Stephanie Warsmith.