The teens were just girls — 13, 14, 15 years old — when they learned they were pregnant.
And though they asserted that they weren’t intentionally trying to get pregnant, most were not disappointed when they found out that they would soon be mothers.
“I really didn’t care…,” said a now 19-year-old former foster child. “Since he [her baby] came to me at the age of 14, I was happy because… I’d always have somebody that would always love me. No matter what. Somebody who will always be by my side, who will always love me who won’t walk out of my life or nothing like that.”
The young mothers were among six sets of people who gathered as part of the Beacon Journal’s America Today project, which explores the different situations people face in their lives, and how those differences are affecting our ability to solve community and national problems.
The focus groups were designed and facilitated by researcher Alice Rodgers of Rodgers Marketing Research, who met with seniors, baby boomers, women in their 20s, families in the gay community and teachers. The participants shared intimate matters and concerns about their personal lives and the direction of American culture, all on the condition of anonymity.
Here, we take a glance at some of the issues discussed during the sessions, several of which will be examined in the future in greater detail.
Teen moms
The teenage girls claimed that the boys or young men promised them things like marriage and love if they had sex.
“I want to have kids by you,” the guys would sometimes say.
What some of the men neglected to divulge is that they already had babies with other women. One of the teen moms, for instance, gave birth to an infant whose father had four children by the time he was 18.
“I don’t get along with my baby dad,” one of the girls said of her child’s father. “Probably because he has so many kids.”
While the oldest girl in the session eventually married her baby’s father, she was an exception. Not one of the other four was wed. Still that didn’t stop some from hoping that they would tie the knot someday with their child’s father. But perhaps because of their young ages, they were quick to flip-flop on that issue.
“My baby daddy… he’s a very caring person. I plan on marrying him in about three years and we kind of set a date… it’s December of 2015,” a talkative 14-year-old said. “But I’m not sure exactly how it’s going to work out. He does have two kids. He has my son and another. And he does a lot for his other son. Our relationship isn’t so strong because he has another son.”
Educated, in their 20s
Though marriage is a dream now for the teenage moms, two young women in their mid- to late- 20s made up another group. And, they noted, giving birth doesn’t necessarily spell marriage for folks in their age group.
“So many people are having children now out of wedlock, like it’s normal,” said one of the college graduates. “I don’t think it’s looked down upon anymore…”
And if pregnancy comes as a surprise, it’s no big deal.
“We don’t stop and think a lot, our generation. We just do,” she said. And that goes for sex.
Parents of the women are baby boomers — born in a time when sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll were their generation’s motto. Still, even they might cringe if they knew what was happening with the kids.
When the young women were asked what the rules were for their generation, one of the women quickly responded, “There are no rules.
“Back in the ’60s… couples on TV shows were sleeping in separate beds. And now you have porn and ads with girls on TV.”
Social media, inappropriate television programming and raunchy movies have desensitized the generation.
“It’s like there are no taboos anymore,” one of women said. “Nothing shocks us. I mean nothing.”
As for the parents — the same folks who grew up with hits such as Stephen Stills’ Love the One You’re With — they don’t seem to be paying much attention to their children’s sometimes unsavory social lives.
“I think they turn a blind eye …” one of the women explained. “They don’t want to know.”
Alternative lifestyles
Tears filled the eyes of the 30-year-old while explaining that she and her partner are not considered the legal parents of their young twins — made possible by insemination done at home using donor sperm.
“They’re my kids, not our kids,” she lamented, adding that Ohio’s law would have to change to alter that fact.
That alone is a painful reality for the new mother and her partner. And insensitive comments made by gay and lesbian acquaintances only add to the couple’s frustration.
“We got a lot of ‘Are the boys going to call one of you Mama and one of you Daddy?’ ” she told the others in the group specifically for gay and lesbians. “A lot of 50-plus people in the gay community still hang on to these really awful stereotypes.”
“We can be closed-minded, too,” the oldest participant said in an apologetic tone to comfort the young woman.
As for when the twins start school, everyone knows that kids can be cruel. And if there is anything different about them, or their families, they can be the targets of teasing.
“My boys are lucky that they will always have at least one other person who understands what they’re going through,” the mother said. “They won’t ever be the only boy at school with two moms.”
Gay rights are a hot political button.
“As a very young boy, I remember the priest saying ‘If you are gay … you’re going to hell,’ ’’ offered the only man in the alternative lifestyle group. “Oh my gosh.”
Today, the young mother interjected, some people are using religion as a weapon against the gay community.
“And then [they] criticize the holy wars of other religions when they’re waging their own holy war,” she said. “Do not use your religion to beat up on what you don’t like. We are imperfect human beings, we have a God who does not care that we are imperfect. But he kind of cares that you’re beating me over the head because I’m different than you.”
But at least one Akron neighborhood is apparently more accepting of gay partnerships than some other areas of the country.
One participant recalled attending college in Alabama.
“The gay community, to say that they’re in the closet, would be an understatement. They’re in the back of the wardrobe headed toward Narnia,” the young woman said, laughing.
Looking ahead 10 years, the participants said they believe the country will be even more divided about legal gay marriage, but corporate America will become even better about recognizing gay relationships and granting benefits. And there will still be a need for safe communities — like Highland Square.
Boomers and beyond
Thousands born between 1946 and 1964 are trapped in a family balancing act. With people living longer and Junior not being able to find a job, boomers are stuck between caring for ailing parents while helping their children through tough financial times. And in some cases, like one of the divorced women in the boomer group, she needed her son to move in with her to help pay the bills.
To complicate things, she is raising her 3-year-old grandson who has autism. It wasn’t among the things she thought she would be doing in her 50s.
“I have a daughter who seems to have completely failed at life. She’s currently in jail. She has had ongoing struggles with drugs and alcohol since she was 15,” she said, sorrowfully. “I’ve got two things in my life that I never thought I would become involved with. I know more about the world of drug and alcohol and rehabilitation and Al-Anon and AA than I ever thought I would know. I never would have chose that. And I never would have chose to be raising a child at this age.
“And I get a third whomp in there because I lost a son in the military. So, it’s kind of reordered my whole life.”
It’s a new normal for her. Another participant commended the woman for reinventing herself.
Others in the group are caring for sick parents. Before his death, the father of one of the boomers made him swear that he would take care of Mom.
While being responsible for parents and grandchildren can each hold their own challenges, the consensus was that caring for the older folks is more difficult.
“It’s very easy to make decisions for a child. You don’t really need to consider so many things,” someone offered. “It’s much harder, especially if the parent is still competent, to be making decisions about them. … You know, a 3-year-old doesn’t have a whole lot of dignity. An 86-year-old man does.”
As boomers age, some worry about who will take care of them. They hope that they will be shown the same respect as they are showing their mothers and fathers. But at least one man in the group has doubts, convinced that his children’s generation find little worth in anyone over about 60.
“I don’t want to be a burden on anybody, but I don’t want to be put out to pasture either,” he said.
In another focus group representing those 66 and older, discussion centered on health issues, family, politics and self-worth. Volunteering, they suggested, was one thing an older person can do to improve the feeling of worthiness. The result is a good feeling about who you are and how your contributions benefit society.
The feeling of worthiness is also something that the gay community struggles with, explained one of the members of that group.
“I always tell my partner that we live in a bubble because we spend time with the people that understand … But every once in a while when we’re hit in the face by the majority that isn’t in our bubble, I’m like ‘Oh, my gosh, we forgot that that’s what the world’s like.’ ’’
“I would say we feel like we don’t count as much as everybody else.”
Youth conflict
When three women in a focus group made up of people who work with middle school-aged children were asked about bullying, two instructors who teach at different schools had vastly different experiences.
A woman who teaches at a high-profile specialty school in the Akron school system said that her school has dealt with the issue, particularly when it comes to cyber-bullying.
“The number of incidents of improper communication is very low at our school,” she boasted. “And it’s because we address it and we talk about it and I think it needs to be a big part of what we do at school.”
But at a suburban school, a teacher said it’s not so easy — kids are very good at hiding verbal assaults.
“In my class I had a real serious bully … he would walk by this girl [and whisper] ‘Bitch,’ the educator explained. “All of a sudden she’d be going crazy and he’s like back in his seat [saying] ‘What [did I do]?’ ”
There used to be a time when a bully’s victim could escape. When classes were over, she could retreat to the safety of her home and away from the humiliation. But social media has made it possible for bullies to torment their victims 24 hours a day. And it’s not unusual for teachers, or others who work with school children, to be the targets — even when it doesn’t actually look like bullying.
“We’ve had teachers get letters — crazy letters that were investigated,” offered one of the teachers in the group. “I do know of one teacher who’s been getting bullied …”
Bullying can also lead to suicide. One of the teenage mothers in the earlier focus group told a chilling story about a friend who had been teased.
“She was in orchestra and we went to Chicago for orchestra and a band trip. She was getting made fun of. One day, before school, she couldn’t handle people making fun of her, being a diabetic and all — making fun of her. Went to her dad’s gun rack and grabbed a rifle and went out — blew her face off.”
A psychiatric clinical nurse specialist in the middle school focus group said up to 90 percent of the young patients she sees in her office are being bullied. It’s not the biggest factor why they’re being treated, but it’s part of the reason.
“Something [needs] to be done in the schools in a very proactive and definite manner,” said the specialist, “rather than it just kind of glossed over or smoothed over because it’s not being handled well.”
Phone attachment
When it comes to cell phones and not being able to function without them, participants in all six focus groups chuckled when they thought about their attachments to the one thing that can sometimes also be their biggest nemesis. Still they admit life would be more difficult without them.
So attached are people to their phones that some folks in the focus groups sleep with them — under their pillows, resting beside them in bed or even closer.
“I kind of sleep with my arm in a crook and then my phone is like right there,” said one of the young women in the 20-something group.
But when it comes to having phones at the dinner table, that’s where an 88-year-old, the oldest of the focus group members, draws the line.
“I say [to family members] we’re going to do like the Old West — when you rode into town, you put your guns over there.”
With that, he points to a bowl sitting on the table. One-by-one, the sometimes reluctant cell phone users silence their vibrating links to the world and drop them into the dish.
Supper is served.
Kim Hone-McMahan can be reached at 330-996-3742 or kmcmahan@thebeaconjournal.com.